Deuce’s Rainbow.

As the sun goes down on my spirit 
The darkened sky rises black above it 
Clouds of infinite destinies begin to cry 
Not knowing of any reason why. 

Under pressure, the clouds grow thick 
Slowly time passes, yet the rain has yet to drip 
The sky grew from black to grey 
Choking any thoughts of yesterday. 

The past lives despite attempting to be free 
The future tries to grow like a deforested tree 
The rain starts to fall like little dark beads 
Strung into necklaces, drowning un-nurtured seeds. 

Black rain streaked through the sky 
Like it had nothing better to do, or try 
Trapped in the present between hello and goodbye 
It fell without trying, remorseful with nowhere to lie. 

It rained down black upon the ocean’s grim face 
And spread its black upon the open sea in disgrace 
The black moon knows the end is inside 
And behind the dark shadows it did hide. 

Dark Clouds hang the black rainbow in frame 
No one knows, sightless of the beauty, hidden in shame 
The rain is thick like bloodletting from above 
A strange sign of black coloured lover’s love. 

Then as it left, leaving sounds bereft, it whispered in my ear 
“Black rain will fall again, whenever you are near” 
I wanted to know black rain’s truth, yet it remained a mystery 
That black pain it put forth, in the way the answers alluded me.
——————————————————————–

Just having one of those days!

-A

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Letter to My Dream Reader.

We are only as blind as we want to be – Maya Angelou

Dear Future Me,

I see you smiling, sitting so peacefully; you are simply in awe. You’re looking at me, the younger, and more naive, more determined, more self-righteous self; you have nothing but love and gratitude for me. You watch me cry on my living room floor, completely bored and unmotivated by life. You see that I am outraged at how stuck I feel. You watch me consumed by more depression tied to how large my body has become; you see me struggle daily. You see the pain I carry around in my heart.

You see my struggle, you see me have momentary outbursts and cry in fits of rage; and you see that I make it through. You see that I’m OK. My pain, my struggles, my issues are not what define me. You see that I make it through this rough patch, and you know that I come out stronger, smarter and more self-aware than ever before.

I see you smile with gratitude for all of the lessons I am in the middle of. The gut wrenching, painful moments of extreme self-hate, followed by harsh judgments and flurries of condescending words; you are proud to have them be a part of your past. You made it through and hold nothing but positive loving thoughts for yourself.

Future Me, your energy and love is infectious. You have a knowing way about you that is wise, patient and graceful. You see that everything is always in right order and that what I am going through right now is part of my bigger plan. It’s as if you know that all of this turbulence and stress was divinely put into my life to help me become the person I need to be; the person that you ARE.

Future self, I know that you’re so proud of me for learning these lessons, for rolling up my sleeves and doing the work on myself that’s required; for getting into the trenches of my own life to prepare me for my next chapter. You’re oozing with awareness and you see that I am getting it. Day by day, I am trying, and I am learning.

I choose to work toward you, and by taking responsibility for my life. You smile because you see that I get it, that the choices I make today affect you and your daily life in the future. You see that I am showing up and doing the best I can. You see that what may feel like not enough, even a failure, for me is more than enough in your eyes. You are proud and honored to have been me.

Future self, I see that somewhere between you and me, we have figured it out. I am so thankful that you take care of yourself every single day. I am so honored to become you. Future self, the most powerful thing you are showing me is what is possible with our life. I can’t wait to meet you.

You are not defined by your problems, or any situation that you find yourself in. You ride the waves of life with such ease; it makes me want to catch up to you faster. I see that together we figure it out. I know that my life is a moment-by-moment web of intricate experiences and reactions that help me shape you. I am working to make myself better for you, for us.

I am showing up for all of my assignments. I am choosing to be happy. And I am choosing to love openly and honestly. Future self, I am going to take big risks because I know that you know that I, that WE, need me to. I am not going to settle EVER AGAIN.

Our experiences make us who we are. I choose to let my dreams and my successes define me; I release my problems and the attachments that keep me identifying with them. I am no longer weighed down by self-loathing thoughts. I choose to be happy.

Future self, you rock, and I am so unbelievably proud I get to become you.

Love forever,

Your younger, not-so-together, passionate and overweight, yet doing the best she can, and hopeful self …

Alekha.

HER STORY.

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Hi! I’m Alekha, folks call me Aliyah and I live in the city which is known as “the city of dreams”, Bombay, India. So I’m Twenty and birthdays are not my thing. Fashion and Writing is definitely my niche. I am a Fashion graduating student and yes, I was one of those girls who had dozens of Barbie dolls with high-end Barbie clothes and accessories (which obviously outnumbered my wardrobe, even now).  So that! Wasn’t it obvious?

About writing, I’d be lying if I said that this is my first time trying to keep up with the blogging routine and for that I blame my indecisive nature. Many of my friends tell me that I say “I would do this” and “I would do that”, but I never really do it. I’m slothful that way and I want to break this pattern, seriously! Apart from the oodles of false promises and self-betrayal, there’s one thing for which I am fervent about, writing. And that’s what I am going to do and that’s why I am here.

I started blogging about a month back, and I’m sure this platform can be one of my major tools to polish my words and thoughts and also help me break my perpetual chain of lethargy. I want to confess that I am not someone who’s obsessed about reading books, or have any favorite particular authors or poets or someone who writes three poems or articles in a day. No. I am here because I genuinely love poems, reading books, words, art and the ‘why’ behind every thought, especially of these inimitable bevy of folks here. I write because everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are alone in the world and that they are not good enough for anything or something in particular. Having the fear of never waking up and their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that the circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they’ll be stuck in between forever. And forever is long enough to get used to denial. However, I feel that the best way to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way too. And that’s what we do, right?

I myself am a bowl of unpredictability. So much so that I am usually torn between what I want and what I need. And I know I am not alone. Our credence makes us unanimous, and I am glad to share myself here and ready to discover. 🙂

SOCIALLY INEVITABLE.

What is it in you that you tend to distance yourself from society? Or drama for that matter?  You begin to mull over and try to get to the crux of every situation- everything which happens in your day-to-day life. Well, we cannot blame society for it is overrated; it knows perfectly well how to kill a man and has methods beyond subtle death.

As far as society is concerned, youngsters like me who age betwixt eighteen to twenty are frequently nagged by adults with exclamations like  “You need to grow up!!” or “It’s high time, you better get your shit together!!” and “For god sake start behaving like an adult!!”. Words like these are like cloud bursts in our lives where we are drowning in this flood of expectations and exceptions. About 70% individuals of the entire population of our generation have begun to climb their ladders towards their dreams in ways like, blogging, own brand label, etc. but out of these 70% at least 40% don’t even realize the purpose of their hardwork, be it their own passion. And the lingering ratio falls under the much hyped “y.o.l.o” category. The whole thought of society is so clichéd that people bag you in various categories and expect you to grow up at the same time. Well, I wonder what their definition of growing up is.

I fathom growing up as accepting truths that our younger selves denied. Toys don’t arrive via a reindeer sleigh from the North Pole. I am not major league pitcher material but this age has been pretentious and growing up indeed is hard work. The path to maturity has no end, it’s wise to focus on journeying well. Along the way, emotionally healthy adults achieve the profound awareness that they do not know far more than they do know. The realization serves as an indispensable ally. Maturing requires seeing easy street as a dead end. Rather than obsess with making love in the green grass behind the stadium, grown-ups make love last. Grown-ups find balance. Effective parents view the shaping of youngsters’ attitudes as a moral imperative. Effective people understand that trying to control other people’s thoughts is morally loathsome. . True grown-ups counsel without scolding, lead without showing off, and teach without preaching.

Reason, emotion, fact, and fallacy, the human brain processes all four.Decisions emerge. With each decision, people grow or stay the same. The willingness to learn how to blend emotion with reason and make good decisions is a prerequisite for growth. To grow is to replace fallacy with fact and resist too-good-to-be-true illusions in order to prevent too-horrible-to-endure consequences. Grown-ups understand that some choices can feel wonderful at first, yet carry staggeringly bad long-term consequences. Fragile thinkers may feel warm and fuzzy about paying a single mother of five to remain unemployed and working on number six, but grown-ups see a half-dozen more welfare cases in the making. Acknowledging the likelihood of awful consequences is a mature trait. Almost cruelly, good judgment requires growing up even as growing up requires good judgment. Some “adults” are remarkably incapable of fathoming this Catch-22. . Grown-ups understand the difference. Childish idealists don’t.

Choosing between what’s wrong and what’s right at the core of an age-old societal challenge, here’s what I question;

1) Should “society” try to improve the lives of its witless, unskilled, and mentally unstable members? Society’s achievers generally want to help, but without coercion from government busybodies too willfully blind to grasp the power of the free market to channel the help.

2) How does society decide whom to help? Grown-ups acknowledge that given access to opportunity, capable people must make their own way. Negligent slackers must live with the pitiful results that crummy decisions and laziness invite. The ratio is 70:30 approx!!

Even should exploring such questions produce methods for helping society’s most exposed members, a more fundamental question will remain. Is our species clever enough to achieve the balance between logic and emotion vital to averting economic and cultural messes? Economy and culture are but secondary forms of the proof of what is being lost in the process of highlighting today’s youth into tomorrow’s future. Why isn’t ‘existence’ included in the books of society norms?

Had it been, many families would still have their sons/daughters in flesh. And a mother would cook their favorite vegetable for dinner and a father would reprimand his son for spending too much and yet giving him pocket money every day. Had it been, families wouldn’t be ashamed of stepping outside their home and their daughters wouldn’t be called “the girl who was raped”. Where does the sympathy go? Where does humanity hide its many faces?

I remember when I was younger and I wanted to look beautiful; now I’m older and I want to be intelligent. I want to burn hearts with brilliance and hook souls with compassion. This is what the young generation craves for, a chance. We all want to be twenty-something, unless we realize that age is just a number and growing up is learning that there’s no such thing as being an adult. You will only grow older and later, may become wiser. I think we all will do just fine

There’ll come a day when we all would have grown up, have a career and are going about our daily routine. Maybe you are driving to work with the radio on, or have cup-o’-noodles on a nice winter Sunday. Life as usual and then you hear a name. It’s the name of a person you once wrote a book full of poems about when you were sixteen. The person you had posters of up on your bedroom walls, or that band you used to love. The person of the cast of the movie that changed your life, or the character you scrolled through page after page of your favorite fiction book. You haven’t heard the name since long time and suddenly everything is back. And then the name is followed by the three words you thought you never hear “Has. Passed. Away”.  And then you put down your cup-o’-noodles and lean back for a while and tears start streaming. And all over the world there are people just like you, with tears rolling down and sobbing because they remember. Because fandoms never really die out. We never really move on. We never really forget. And that’s when you know, you’ve grown up.

And that not you but it’s the society who needs growing up.

Peace x

LEXICONS

There went the morning bell, sharp at 6am in the morning. While the sky begins to stretch its arms and sun peeks up. We all loathed morning sprints, especially me. Well, that is the thing about boarding schools; everything has to go according to the schedule,unlessyou choose not to. Being a tenth grade student is obviously not stress-free, board exams, family pressure , high school drama, dandy boys and teachers giving us extra notes and advice and then that ‘concentrate on your future’ sessions, its like a compendium. However, apart from all that my favorite subject was English, both language and literature. I take the subject English as an ocean, unfathomable. There’s always something to learn, to discover. A science teacher can tell you how advanced can our future be. A History teacher teaches you how to learn from your past. And maybe a math teacher can show you how to count and get rich. But an English teacher can teach you ‘life’.Its probably one of the many reasons why I adore this subject. That day our English teacher introduced us to a new word “lexicon”.

A Lexicon is a group of words that makes up a language. In other way it too means your own dictionary.  Growing up I never thought that my very own passion about writing would be described by this title. So finally the usually indecisive  me got hold of a blog name “My Lost Lexicon” which not only is ironical but also has its meaning within a meaning. So much so that I decided to share my insight on lexicons and understand myself better.

Living in a generation where a filtered image is appreciated more than an ordinary personality, I’veread a saying “ you are the choices you make” and millions of such instagram posts which would describe a being.

But here’s a thought-provoking question,Do you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? Should it be your way or their way?

it is said that brave and cowardly person are both fearful. However, it is the brave one who faces his fear and does what needs to be done. We will be faced with many such things that scare us throughout our lives. But growth can only take place when we take small steps. And that means making memories, building friendship, taking one step at a time.

Creating your own world. Creating a lexicon.

In literary terms a Lexicon is defined as a stock of words in a particular language. I see a Lexicon as a stock of memories, the state of being in a soul.

The people we meet, the songs we listen to,

the book we read, when you use #YOLO as your creed

the mistakes we make, the rules we break,

the times we cry, the last try,

The love we share, the guy affair,

The late night talks, the time when you hit the rock,

The secrets you reveal, the time you took to heal,

The letters you wrote and the hearts you broke,

the game you won, the moment when you revealed he/she is the one,

the promises you make, the time when everything seemed fake,

the melody in a state of trance, when you give yourself a chance.

Every little thing in your life is you.

But the thought that people often forget these things is disheartening and blue. Every person should have his own lexicon to remind themselves of who they are, and allow themselves to reflect upon their own deeds.

Pablo Picasso said “What you imagine can be real”. I don’t want to exist in time, what about “being time”? the thought of “being time” is elevating; to reflect on memories, actively live and project our expectations of the future in ‘the now’  the moment when time is immobile. This is what a lexicon should sound like. Just be. To exercise your right, and synchronize your mind with your body, to symphonize your dreams, to solidify your acts, where a world is truly your own.

As per me, I am just beginning to cram my lost lexicon by writing and sharing niceties, tedium and detritus of the day-to-day because these actions, objects and circumstances have meaning and significance to me. The movies and the great acts of heroism flashed on the social media are less captivating than the short videos of people doing simple, routine acts that bring us to tears because it reminds us that we can make a difference.

The supposedly trivial has meaning and grit to the individual and I want to explore what my own lexicon has to say about me hoping that it will reveal something significant.