Ever since I was a kid, birthdays have been both intriguing and annoying. I recently had a birthday on 11th January. Each passing year birthdays have become for me a time of intense self-reflection: Where do I stand in my life? What do I want to be? Where do I want to be? What could I improve? They don’t impress me like they do to so many others, instead they make me think.
10th January, 11:45pm.
“Where are you lost?” my brother questioned, as I stared outside my car while returning home from a family dinner. “Nowhere ” was all I could manage to blurt out. I didn’t want to be so dramatic and sentimental but I was actually neither of them. I was mulling over the birthday patterns; about how I my feelings for surprises and wishes had outgrown. I drew a chart in my mind though. It goes something like this:
4 year old- Barbie dolls and barbie world.
8 year old- Chunky,glittery and girly things.
12 year old- Any game which would not make me think so much. (I can never outgrow ‘lazy’ though)
14 year old- Nothing.
16 year old- Nothing.
18 year old- Nothing.
20 year old- Be something.
Twenties has more than just ‘to never get old’. No one wants to get old, but a part of me never wants to move on from my lazy, least focused, wearing pajamas to college years. I can talk crap about being a twenty-something but I’m only half-kidding. In actuality, there’s no age I rather be (besides maybe a seven year old because they don’t anything beside eat ice-cream and poop themselves. That sounds like an ideal life to be completely honest)
I think Twenties is all about discovering things hurt you and what makes you feel good. You go in blindly, pricking yourself with a dull blade and come out with a tougher skin. One day, you will stop pricking yourself all together. Maybe, I don’t know? I am just beginning to discover remember?
This is what the Twenties are for – to feel and see as much as you can, to take advantage of not being tied down to anything and anyone. You are a raw nerve. Being in your Twenties allows you to start craving out the life you want for yourself. Everything is on your terms now which seems daunting but is actually liberating. For the first time in your life you’re the boss.
I’m beginning to think that being in Twenties isn’t about getting old, it’s like we spend so much of our time wanting to be somewhere else other than where we are. Think about it. Why the hell are we in such a hurry to live some boring grown up adult life? Because once we do get there, we’re stuck for a long time. The novelty’s going to wear off, we’re going to get married and have babies, and everything will be amazing but don’t think for a second that you won’t be nostalgic for this time. Don’t think for a second that you’re not going to miss those nights you spent putting on your make up, changing five million times, drinking wine, smoking cigarettes out your apartment window, and going to some silly party, a party that feels like all the others you’ve been to but still has the right to feel special. You will miss all of this. This is a luxury. It’s going to leave us eventually so you better freaking enjoy it. You better enjoy every lame ass party, every awkward kiss, every 5 AM hangover, every crappy apartment, because one day it will all be gone and you’ll just be left with the pictures and the bruises and nothing else. Youth is fu**ing magic. Don’t you get it? Look at your skin! Touch it. Look at your smooth legs and stomach. Grab it. When you’re older, you’ll want all of this again so bad. You’ll possibly spend so much money to get some semblance of it back. Now it’s yours for free. It’s hilarious how I can imagine all of this only after a week in my Twenties. It’s like I have my own world in my head and I am just sharing what it looks like or will look like.
But the truth is, I want to remember the fear, I want to remember the promise, I want to remember the nights I wanted to curl up in a ball, I want to remember the people I’m not supposed to remember, I want to remember not knowing myself, I want to remember the moment I started to feel safe and like this life I’m leading is really mine. I’m going to be scared, I’m going to bruise my knees and not know how they got there, I’m going to try to fruitlessly forge a connection with someone who won’t ever get it, I’m going to lose the person that means the most to me and find my way back to them. I’m going to be a twentysomething because that’s what I am and all I know how to be. And you should too. You should love every single moment of this hot mess of a decade. Chances are you’ll miss it before you even get to say “I’m 30.”